SJ: Spider Jerusalem, CY: Channon Yarrow SS: Secret Service

SJ: "I was having a mildly paranoid day, mostly due to the fact that the mad priest lady from over the river had taken to nailing weasels to my front door again." (#1p1)

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Enter Manson

SJ: "A Kenyan man once said to me, 'You can get used to anything when money's involved.' He used to stick mice up his ass for twenty bucks a time." (#1p13)

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SJ: "I don't have to put up with this shabby crap! I'm a journalist!" (#2p9)

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SJ: "There's one hole in every revolution, large or small. And it's one word long.. people. No matter how big the idea they all stand under, people are small and weak and cheap and frightened. It's people that kill every revolution." (#2p15)

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SJ: "If anyone in this shithole city gave two tugs of a dead dogs cock about Truth, this wouldn't be happening." (#3p14)

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SJ: "You must like it when people in authority they never earned lie to you." (#3p15)

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SJ: "My name's Spider Jerusalem, and there's nothing I like more than dead dogs." (#4p1)

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SJ: (on journalism): "Laying open the guts of the world and sniffing the entrails. That's what we do." (#4p8)

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CY: "You're kind of fixated on loose bowels."
SJ: "Just today. I quit jumpstart pills, and now I'm looser'n  a catholic womb." (#4p16)

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SJ: "Bring me back a bucket of caribou eyes from the Eskimo place on Ladbroke and 350th. TV food." (#5p5)

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SJ: "That's what I hate most about this fucking city.. lies are news and truth is obsolete!" (#5p15)

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Amfeed: "CPD are still trying to talk TV cook Della Kent off the roof of the Amitri building after the columnist's [Spider Jerusalem] savage critique of her grasp of New Zealand cuisine." (#5p17)

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SJ (to religious leader, claiming to have been abducted by aliens): "It indicates a few other things to me. I mean, either you have the most beautiful asshole in the cosmos.. or there is no intelligent life in the universe. I mean, why develop intergalactic travel technology just to stick a prong up your rectum? There are other ways of making "contact," aren't there?" (#6p16)

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SJ: "Stephen's last words were, "If you people ever washed your fucking toilet seats.." (#8p5)

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SJ: "Mary sticks to the alleyways, where the light and noise of the City is screened out a little. And she talks, to anyone who will listen. She tells of how she was Revived; tells it in cold, quiet, terrible detail. She has a photographer's eye. She's made a still documentary of her new life, up in her chilled head. And she tells stories of the past. Great rich warm human stories of Stephen Hawking mapping the universe from a wheelchair, of dancing with children in Zimbabwe dust and walking through Moscow snow with Mikhail Gorbachev... John Kennedy playing grabass in the White House, Nelson Mandela laughing at dirty jokes on a Jo' Burg street, a kid walking in front of a Chinese tank...

The stories that make us great." (#8p19)

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SJ: "You want to go out to dinner sometime?"
Hannah: "Sorry, no. I'm married, not hungry, infected with seven unknown diseases, gay, pregnant with lizards and clinically dead." (#9p.15)

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Mark Ward, Managing director of Futureproof Holdings: "This morning I found a lump in my left testicle that sings 'Twinkle twinkle little star' over and over.." (#10p1)

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Indira: "Life goes on, mister Royce, even if Jerusalem is now being buttfucked to death by crazed farmers with calloused haystack-lifting cocks in an alley someplace..." (#11p14)

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Senator Callahan advert: "He loves you and he wants you to vote.. he's never had a blowjob and he doesn't own a tape recorder.. he loves you and he wants you to vote.." (#13p4)

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SJ: "Got a name there?"
Bill: "Eeeehhhh... well, there's a story in that. Y'see that stage there? Buncha years back, I designed that, built it m'self. But do they call me Bill the stagebuilder? Naaa... Y'see these doors? It was sixteen years ago I

He loves you and he wants you to vote, he's never had a blowjob and he doesn't own a tape recorder...

fixed them up, but do they call me Bill the handyman? Naaaa... wrote these floor guides, but do they call me bill the guide? Naaaa..."
Voice: "Hey! Bill Chimpfucker!"
Bill: "Eeeehhhh (...) It was only the once, pretty lady." (#14p13)

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SJ: "You want to know about voting. I'm here to tell you about voting. Imagine you're locked in a huge underground night-club filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pitbulls for fun. And you ain't allowed out until you all vote on what you're going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch "Republican Party Reservation". They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand new sexual organs you did not even know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That's voting. You're welcome." (#15p5)

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BABEL Feedsite: "When asked about the column by our correspondent, Jerusalem Laughed, shat in the camera and threw dog carcasses to an admiring audience." (#15p22)

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SJ, glancing at a picture of his ex-wife: "Never trust anything that bleeds for four days but doesn't die." (#16p9)

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SJ at the Callahan convention: "I so badly want to kill everyone in this room. Even the children. Especially the children." (#17p12)

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Royce: "You're much nicer than my last secretary."
Secretary: "Only because I pretend not to notice you looking at my breasts." (#18p5)

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CY: "Being a nun wasn't all it was cracked up to be. And the sex was shit." (#18p11)

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Pastoral Mews Home Computer: "Your cat has once again urinated out of bounds and has received educational electric shock to the offending organ as per your instructions." (#19p8)

All of Spider's little guys... -

CY, on Spider coming: "I always figured that with Spider you'd feel it. Even if you didn't feel it ordinarily, you'd feel it with Spider. It'd be like this hail of birdshit drenching the neck of your womb." (#20p19)

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SS: "Mind walking through here, sir?"
SJ: "What if I say yes?"
SS: "Then we

shoot you with a taser and have your internal cavities searched by surgeons. Sometimes they're all fucked up on crack when they do the searches." (#21p4)

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The President: "My job is to keep the majority of people in this country alive. That's it. If fifty-one percent eat a meal tomorrow and forty-nine percent don't, I've done my job." (#21p19)

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SJ: "I was so shocked that I almost forgot to plant the guerrilla neurotransmitter I'd hidden in the oil of my fingernail. And that, Mr. President, is why you've been hallucinating having sex with speedcrazed Barbary Apes suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome for the last week. And now you know what it's like to have you as President; what it's like to be constantly fucked by someone who smells of shit." (#21p22)

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Senator Gary Callahan: "I want to be president because I hate you. I want to fuck with you. I want to make you shut up and do things properly. Get through your doomed little lives quietly." (#22p23)

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Go visit the SEXPUPPETS at Amfeed!